Mistakes to avoid in an Argument

A relationship does not require you to be perfect all the time. A good relationship does not mean that you both should love to do the same things or you will never have any fights and life would forever go on smiling and laughing with you two in each other’s arms. All relationships have their fair share of struggles and ups and downs, it is just how fast you resolve the issues and bounce back to normal that defines the strength of your relationship. Sometimes despite our best efforts, we find that we are having constant fights and arguments which never seem to resolve and keep on piling in our minds and heart. Now fights never occur in the right state of mind and it is extremely difficult to control our response at that time but it is very important to remember that harsh words can hurt more than anything in the world. It is of utmost importance to avoid the following things while arguing with your loved ones:

• Revisiting the Past: We all are often guilty of making this mistake. Instead of just trying to settle the issue at hand we raise the issues of the past which were already discussed. This habit of revisiting the past whenever something happens works as fuel in the already blazing fire. Avoid discussing the past and try to remedy the present situation.

• Passing the Judgement: We sometimes just put a label on the person like ” you are an aggressive person”, ” you are a control freak” etc. Instead of labeling a person negatively we should try and understand the point of view of the other person and phrase our sentence positively. We could say ” you sometimes lose your temper too soon” or ” you sometimes tend to become too possessive”. This will help the other person understand the actual problem. Even if at that time they are too defensive they will not be hurt and may realize their mistake when they ponder over the issue later. It is also important to note that do not ever be in a relationship that is actually abusive in either way physical or emotional and if the person is really aggressive or controlling just stay away from such a relationship.

• Trivializing the Matter: Sometimes it feels that the other person is arguing over a simple matter which could easily be avoided. Instead of trivializing the matter and saying things like you are making a mountain out of a molehill, just hear what the other person is trying to say. Sometimes things which we find trivial are very important to the other person or maybe that many little things which you did not realize were happening recently and that made the person react a little more than required or the other person may be troubled by something else entirely and was looking for a vent. Either way, when you hear the other person you may be able to work out things in a positive manner.

• Keeping Scores: Do not ever keep scores of the things in the relationship. Now it may seem strange but we often say during arguments that we have been fighting a lot because you keep making mistakes all the time, or I have been apologizing all the times recently and you never take any initiative to solve the matter. It may seem like a simple thing to say but keeping scores like these bring out a sense of competition which will only increase the arguments. See if you say you have been apologizing all the time it may seem like you apologized just for the sake of ending the argument instead of realizing your mistake. It may be correct but it will demean all the previous apologies and the other person may find it difficult to trust your ”sorry” in the future. Keeping score may also put the other person on a defensive mode and that would accelerate the situation pretty fast as you both will be busy upping your scores and throwing bouncers to defeat the other person instead of resolving the matter. Do not make it a competition of who has hurt the other person more by actually hurting each other again and again by saying ugly things in the ugliest possible way. Calm down, take a breath and discuss.

• Keeping Grudges: Sometimes we hold grudges against something that our loved one has done or said and bottle those feelings which leads to a sudden outburst. Avoid bottling up your feelings and try to resolve them or forgive them as soon as possible.

• Raising Voice: Now that is the hardest one to control. Arguments are meant to be done in a loud voice so that the other person can understand our frustration and anger. But when we raise our voice the other person does not understand the words we say, the matter we have raised, or how hurt we are, the other person only hears our tone, our anger and thus responds in a higher tone to subdue you. Try to argue quietly. Now that seems contradictory but try to keep your anger and tone in check.

• Walking Away: It is literally the worst thing that you can do. You may justify it as a ”time out” to pacify the situation, but it leaves the other person feeling frustrated and unimportant. Never walk away from your loved one as the other person will feel abandoned. Try to resolve the issue then and there because it will prevent it from getting bigger and uglier. If you absolutely feel the need to quieten the storm brewing inside you just let your partner know that and try to make them understand instead of just walking out and leaving them behind with the most negative thoughts they can come up with.

• Argument or Sarcasm in Front of Others: Do not, in any circumstance, show your differences in front of other people. It not only makes your partner feel insulted but also makes your relationship a laughingstock. Always keep your matters private.

I hope you and I can remember these things when we share some heated moments with our partner. Do let me know.

Apoorva Yadav Kamboj