As Matt Walsh has said : Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing in the world to do. I completely agree with that being a mom myself. I always try to do best for my child but still get judged. I often make mistakes too as my little one has not come with any operational and maintenance manual. We as parents try our hardest to raise a good, happy and successful child. But now I have realized that I cannot be a perfect parent instead I try to be a real one ( however before me Sue Atkins realized it).
Here in this blog I am not going to judge your parenting style but shed some light upon parenting mistakes we usually make without realizing it and unintentionally these mistakes affect our precious one.
Being too strict or lenient : This is the trickiest of all. If we are too strict with our child either our child may become a rebel or a meek and timid person. Either of both is not good for them. Forcing too many rules on children may encourage them to find ways to break them sneakily and learn to lie to us. They may also start revolting openly especially in teenage years which can lead them on the wrong path and away from us. If they accept our rules without actually understanding them and liking them only because of our aggressiveness they may become timid and learn to bend their will according to strong minded people.
Similarly if we are too lenient with them they may go astray without any rules guiding them. Also they may start assuming that we do not care enough to teach or guide them. All of these are not favorable outcomes we had hoped for. So what are we supposed to do?
We should make rules along with them and leave some room for negotiations. If they understand our intentions and good will for them behind these rules they will know the need for these rules and respect them. They will be happy to follow them and will less likely be bitter about them.
Not Leading by Example : Children learn more from what they see us doing than what we try to teach them. They love and believe us so they just try to become like us by copying what we do. For example if we want them to be polite and we ourselves are always snarky ( even understandably because of extreme frustrations in life) then they would never know how to be polite. As said by Andy Smithson “ The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behavior. The sign of truly great parenting is the parents’ behavior.
Favoritism : We sometimes unintentionally play favorites. In most cases older ones are scolded if a fight ensues between them even if both were equally to be blamed stating the older one has to be more responsible . Similarly if older one gets good grades and younger one doesn’t he is constantly being asked to be like the former one. These things are mostly harmless but sometimes it can create sibling rivalry. So we need to be impartial and understand that both the kids are different and good in their own way.
Giving Physical Punishments : Physical punishment increases aggression in children and may harm the parent- child relationship. It also increases risk of mental health problems in children. Instead of punishing children we should try to teach them that their behavior is wrong and may lead to consequences. Now how do we do that? For example if the dedicated time for tv or phone is half hour and the child has watched it for 1 hour, cancel the screen time for the next day.
Harsh Criticism and Comparisons: Letting a child know he is doing something wrong is a different thing but criticizing child harshly and giving negative labels to him may demoralize him. Instead tell him what he is doing wrong and how to rectify his mistakes. Similarly never compare your child with anyone. If you say he is better than someone he will start looking down on others and if you will say he is lacking behind in comparison to someone he will be demotivated. This will make him very competitive at such a young age. Let him compete with himself and be a better version of his own self.
Helping him too much : Make your child self-sufficient from early on. Ask him to keep his toys himself after playing, to keep his own utensils after eating etc. If you help him too much he will not explore much and rely on you for guidance all the time. This is applicable for all age groups. Trying to sort out their fights with friends, talking to their bullies etc. will not teach them to handle their own troubles. This doesn’t mean we should do nothing. It only means listen to your child with empathy and guide him how to respond in each situation and intervene only when it becomes necessary. This will help them throughout their life.
Lashing out when they admit mistakes : Admitting their mistakes is a brave step for anyone. We as adults find it hard to do. If your child admits any mistake he has made do not lash out on him. He will start hiding things from you because of fear of being scolded. Instead appreciate that he has admitted it and advise him how to avoid making such mistakes in future.
Asking them to deal with it : When our child cries we often tell him to stop crying as nothing has happened and we try to trivialize the matter. This will teach him to not show his emotions and bottle them up. Often things which seem small to us are a big issue for children. Sympathize with your child and let him vent his emotions positively. Be supportive and listen to him attentively, this way he will learn to accept all his emotions and learn to not let them affect him.
Not letting them make their own decisions: We sometimes do not let our children decide for themselves as we think they are making a mistake. This will make them resent you and curb their creativity. Let them make their own decisions, their own mistakes then only they will be able to learn from their mistakes. Don’t try to fulfill your dreams through them. They have their own dreams and passions. Let them live the way they want unless it is absolutely necessary for you to get involved. If we don’t allow them to make their own decisions from early on they will keep on relying on us or someone else for their entire lives.
Burdening them too much with studies : Studies are very important for children. They have to be educated in order to be successful. But we should not force them to only study their school syllabus. Instead we should encourage them to try new things, to play outdoors and to get in touch with their creativity. This will help them analyze what their passions are and maybe make a good career out of hobbies. Even if they do not take their hobbies professionally they will have a creative outlet from the stress of competitive life.
I have made note of all these parenting mistakes and I definitely hope to avoid them while taking care of my child. What about you? If there is something you would like to add or you disagree on something do let me know in the comments.
Apoorva Yadav Kamboj
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