Confused about relationship

Hi. I have been struggling with myself for too long and delaying my divorce because of my confused mindset. I have seen some counselors but even they can’t seem to help because of my confused state. I had my first relationship at the age of 18. It was not really romantic but more like him supporting me through my difficult time. I was not really attracted to him but I liked him a lot and even trusted him blindly. I was going through some serious family issues because of broken family and he was there to provide me support even though he himself was too young at that time. (only 20). I came from a conservative environment so keeping a boyfriend was a big deal for me but I was extremely loyal to him. His family had some infidelity history but I trusted him too much to think that he might follow their footsteps. Even though we were in a relationship we had a plan to get married in late 20s or early 30s but due to my family problem we had to get married too early. (I was 22 and he was 24). We both were too childish and our physical chemistry was horrible. Both of us felt shy in front of each other and I also started having inferiority complex thinking that he is not interested in me sexually. As we both were students at that time, we had to depend on his father for our expenses for which he used to dominate us a lot. The whole situation was too depressing and it affected us a lot but all this time my trust in him got deeper and even though I was not attracted to him I felt deep love for him. I don’t know if we should call it love but I can’t think of any other word for the feelings that I have for him. He started ignoring me and his ignorance made me more sexually uncomfortable in front of him. I tried to improve things my way but in hindsight I can see those efforts were not clear and enough at all. After some years, I started noticing that he chats with other girls. Initially when I confronted him he said sorry but then started doing that again. At one point, he became so careless about me that when I confronted him he just shrugged me off and told me that I can do the same. I was very upset and depressed for many years and started to have body image issues. I was new in this country and I had no close family here so I was too lonely and even scared to create a scene.. I think that added to the whole problem. At one point I also started talking to a guy and started a relationship with him. We made out but never did more than that and I was not even in love with him. I just felt feminine and desirable with him which made him attractive to me. But I was not at peace with myself so I threw hints at my husband that I was doing something. He thought that I was only doing time pass but one day i clarified that I was having a relationship and that made him really upset. He asked me some questions and I answered all of them honestly. I wanted to make things right so I thought honesty was the best policy but apparently it was not. I told him that I was attracted to other guys but not because of any physical feature but the way they treat me. Still he was deeply hurt by this. Since then he seemed upset and for some time I felt that he was giving me attention also. Let me clarify one thing our relationship as friends was quite good. We were too comfortable with each other and had similar sense of humor but when we were in a social gathering then I used to feel very bad because of his ignorance to me. He gave priority to everyone but me. That was another issue and he never liked to take my responsibility. Anyway just 2months after our conversation he was supposed to go abroad and he did. I was actually planning to make things right that is why I stopped talking to that guy even though my husband didn’t ask me to do that. 3months after he went abroad he started ignoring my calls and after a few days I accidentally checked his old laptop and found his msgs which made me realise that he was having an affair there. Previously I think he never had physical relationship (not sure) but this time it was physical. In fact he was actually in doubt about his sexual ability just few month before that relationship as I found some links in his search history regarding issues with physical ability. I felt sad and more than that I felt responsible for not handling him properly. I kept blaming myself to the point that even when the girl got pregnant I could feel anger towards him. I still can ‘t. people tell me I should but I feel responsible. Just few days before the pregnancy news he had contacted me (5months after he went abroad) and told me that he misses me so he wants to break up with that girl. He came to know that I knew about the relationship 3months before that. I accepted that we will try again but just after a few days the girl got pregnant. He had the girl have an abortion but he was too upset with the whole situation and stopped talking to me again. This hurt me more and I started talking to a guy who had been trying to stay in touch with me for some months and had proposed me to get married to him. He seemed a very nice guy. His personality is a bit different from me but he cares about me a lot. I know that before marraige everyone shows more concern but after marriage things change but over all he seems like a very responsible guy. He even takes care of his family also. His only priorities are family and career. He tried to hard to win my heart and finally we started a relationship but just after 2months into relationship  my husband tried to reach out to me again and asked for another chance. Since after that I started having mood swings and started behaving rudely with the other guy. After 4months I even broke up with him and started talking to my husband again. My husband was supposed to call me abroad but due to corona even it got delayed. I again realised that he doesn’t really care much for me. After some thought just last month I told him that I don’t want our marriage to continue and started talking with that guy again. He was mad at me initially but after some days he forgave me when I gave him assurance that I won’t leave him again. After some days I started having thoughts about my husband again. This guy seems very nice and it seems that he really loves me. I don’t want to hurt him again or cheat him so I don’t talk to my husband but it feels too painful to think about divorce. Just 4days back my husband returned to our country and tried to contact me but I didn’t respond. He contacted my sister also and asked about me and she told him that my decision is same. The problem is that I feel that I also made many mistakes in our marriage and it makes me feel worse. I also know that who made mistake is not relevant at this stage. Things have got out of hand now and even I can’t make myself to trust him again and live with him peacefully. This guy that I am now with seems very nice but who know how he would be after marriage. the problem is if I don’t give him a chance then I would always have his best version in my mind and even if I continue with my husband I’ll keep thinking about him which I don’t want. I want to be fully committed to just one person and not even think about any other person. I was not that confused previously when I was married. Despite my husband’s faults, I made myself that he is the best that I could get. I never compared him with others. but now I can’t stop comparing. I feel like I can never be happy with anyone. The problem now is whenever I think of finalizing divorce I feel miserable. Today I had some work at the bank concerning his father’s account and I saw him there today afetr 2yrs. I didn’t talk to him but since then I am feeling depressed and having episodes of crying. I am not crazy to be with him but whenever I think about divorce, I feel deep pain. I can’t make myself apply for divorce with all these mixed feelings and I also don’t want to keep the other guy hanging. I don’t know what to do. Plz help

N.B.:The post is too long. Sorry about it