Do not get me wrong. I believe in God.
I always have.
And for the longest time, He gave me the strength to keep moving when I thought I couldn’t anymore. Through some of the darkest periods of my life, when I thought I would lose my sanity, somehow I kept going.
I kept moving because I believed He was with me.
We grow up hearing that even when there is no one beside you, God is always there. That He never leaves you alone.
And I desperately held on to that belief.
I never asked Him to remove the obstacles from my path.
I never asked Him to solve my problems for me.
When I was drowning, I asked for just one thing.
A sign. Just a small sign that He was there.
Something that would give me a little light when the darkness was slowly taking over my heart.
I kept asking.
And I kept waiting.
For a very, very long time.
But I never found that sign.
And now I know what people will say.
Maybe I am not worthy.
Maybe I am not good enough.
Maybe my faith isn’t strong enough.
Maybe I haven’t reached that place yet where God would show me that He is with me.
Maybe.
But I was drowning. I wasn’t asking Him to pull me out. I wasn’t asking Him to make my life easy. I was just asking for one straw to hold on to. One tiny indication that I wasn’t alone in that water. And that was the one thing I couldn’t find.
So eventually, I drowned.
The darkness I had been fighting for so long finally entered. And once it did, it swept away whatever little light I had left. People say loneliness is the worst thing that can happen to a person. But perhaps it isn’t. Because when you are lonely, you can still hold on to something.
A person.
A hope.
A dream.
A belief.
I held on to my faith.
And when even that began slipping through my fingers, I didn’t know what was left for me to hold. What the hell remains when you feel that even your Creator has left you? I feel so lost now. So, withdrawn. Nothing excites me anymore. And perhaps the deepest kind of loneliness isn’t having nobody around you.
It is feeling that the One Almighty you believed could never leave you has left you too. That even your Creator does not accept you. Does not love you. That you have been calling out for so long, and there is only silence. He has looked at you drowning—and chosen not to reach out.
And I don’t know how to find my way back from that.
Maybe I just need to accept that I am alone—not as something to mourn, but as something that can finally set me free from waiting, hoping and expecting.
Perhaps there is a strange kind of peace in accepting that.
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