12 Jun
Sharing Sorrows

Confused about relationship

Hi. I have been struggling with myself for too long and delaying my divorce because of my confused mindset. I have seen some counselors but even they can’t seem to help because of my confused state. I had my first relationship at the age of 18. It was not really romantic but more like him supporting me through my difficult time. I was not really attracted to him but I liked him a lot and even trusted him blindly. I was going through some serious family issues because of broken family and he was there to provide me support even though he himself was too young at that time. (only 20). I came from a conservative environment so keeping a boyfriend was a big deal for me but I was extremely loyal to him. His family had some infidelity history but I trusted him too much to think that he might follow their footsteps. Even though we were in a relationship we had a plan to get married in late 20s or early 30s but due to my family problem we had to get married too early. (I was 22 and he was 24). We both were too childish and our physical chemistry was horrible. Both of us felt shy in front of each other and I also started having inferiority complex thinking that he is not interested in me sexually. As we both were students at that time, we had to depend on his father for our expenses for which he used to dominate us a lot. The whole situation was too depressing and it affected us a lot but all this time my trust in him got deeper and even though I was not attracted to him I felt deep love for him. I don’t know if we should call it love but I can’t think of any other word for the feelings that I have for him. He started ignoring me and his ignorance made me more sexually uncomfortable in front of him. I tried to improve things my way but in hindsight I can see those efforts were not clear and enough at all. After some years, I started noticing that he chats with other girls. Initially when I confronted him he said sorry but then started doing that again. At one point, he became so careless about me that when I confronted him he just shrugged me off and told me that I can do the same. I was very upset and depressed for many years and started to have body image issues. I was new in this country and I had no close family here so I was too lonely and even scared to create a scene.. I think that added to the whole problem. At one point I also started talking to a guy and started a relationship with him. We made out but never did more than that and I was not even in love with him. I just felt feminine and desirable with him which made him attractive to me. But I was not at peace with myself so I threw hints at my husband that I was doing something. He thought that I was only doing time pass but one day i clarified that I was having a relationship and that made him really upset. He asked me some questions and I answered all of them honestly. I wanted to make things right so I thought honesty was the best policy but apparently it was not. I told him that I was attracted to other guys but not because of any physical feature but the way they treat me. Still he was deeply hurt by this. Since then he seemed upset and for some time I felt that he was giving me attention also. Let me clarify one thing our relationship as friends was quite good. We were too comfortable with each other and had similar sense of humor but when we were in a social gathering then I used to feel very bad because of his ignorance to me. He gave priority to everyone but me. That was another issue and he never liked to take my responsibility. Anyway just 2months after our conversation he was supposed to go abroad and he did. I was actually planning to make things right that is why I stopped talking to that guy even though my husband didn’t ask me to do that. 3months after he went abroad he started ignoring my calls and after a few days I accidentally checked his old laptop and found his msgs which made me realise that he was having an affair there. Previously I think he never had physical relationship (not sure) but this time it was physical. In fact he was actually in doubt about his sexual ability just few month before that relationship as I found some links in his search history regarding issues with physical ability. I felt sad and more than that I felt responsible for not handling him properly. I kept blaming myself to the point that even when the girl got pregnant I could feel anger towards him. I still can ‘t. people tell me I should but I feel responsible. Just few days before the pregnancy news he had contacted me (5months after he went abroad) and told me that he misses me so he wants to break up with that girl. He came to know that I knew about the relationship 3months before that. I accepted that we will try again but just after a few days the girl got pregnant. He had the girl have an abortion but he was too upset with the whole situation and stopped talking to me again. This hurt me more and I started talking to a guy who had been trying to stay in touch with me for some months and had proposed me to get married to him. He seemed a very nice guy. His personality is a bit different from me but he cares about me a lot. I know that before marraige everyone shows more concern but after marriage things change but over all he seems like a very responsible guy. He even takes care of his family also. His only priorities are family and career. He tried to hard to win my heart and finally we started a relationship but just after 2months into relationship  my husband tried to reach out to me again and asked for another chance. Since after that I started having mood swings and started behaving rudely with the other guy. After 4months I even broke up with him and started talking to my husband again. My husband was supposed to call me abroad but due to corona even it got delayed. I again realised that he doesn’t really care much for me. After some thought just last month I told him that I don’t want our marriage to continue and started talking with that guy again. He was mad at me initially but after some days he forgave me when I gave him assurance that I won’t leave him again. After some days I started having thoughts about my husband again. This guy seems very nice and it seems that he really loves me. I don’t want to hurt him again or cheat him so I don’t talk to my husband but it feels too painful to think about divorce. Just 4days back my husband returned to our country and tried to contact me but I didn’t respond. He contacted my sister also and asked about me and she told him that my decision is same. The problem is that I feel that I also made many mistakes in our marriage and it makes me feel worse. I also know that who made mistake is not relevant at this stage. Things have got out of hand now and even I can’t make myself to trust him again and live with him peacefully. This guy that I am now with seems very nice but who know how he would be after marriage. the problem is if I don’t give him a chance then I would always have his best version in my mind and even if I continue with my husband I’ll keep thinking about him which I don’t want. I want to be fully committed to just one person and not even think about any other person. I was not that confused previously when I was married. Despite my husband’s faults, I made myself that he is the best that I could get. I never compared him with others. but now I can’t stop comparing. I feel like I can never be happy with anyone. The problem now is whenever I think of finalizing divorce I feel miserable. Today I had some work at the bank concerning his father’s account and I saw him there today afetr 2yrs. I didn’t talk to him but since then I am feeling depressed and having episodes of crying. I am not crazy to be with him but whenever I think about divorce, I feel deep pain. I can’t make myself apply for divorce with all these mixed feelings and I also don’t want to keep the other guy hanging. I don’t know what to do. Plz help

N.B.:The post is too long. Sorry about it

12 Jun
Parenting and Child Care, Relationships

7 Things Every Mother should teach their daughter about life after marriage

The journey of transforming from ‘’Papa and Mama’s’’ princess to ‘’bahu’’ is not an easy one.  From becoming the apple of the eye at their own home and then suddenly going to a new home and taking care of everyone is a task which no education or degree could prepare anyone for. One may be a very capable Manager at their firm and responsible for handling an entire team with people of different caliber and nature and thinking that managing the house will be a similar experience, but you are in for a huge surprise.

The only help which will be useful would be of our Mother or motherly figures in our lives. We would need their advice from time to time during this entire journey. Mothers also try their best to teach us everything they have learnt from their own experience. But there are certain things which all mothers must teach their daughter to help them lead a happy life. And I am not talking about household chores which is a life necessity which both the genders should definitely learn.

 

  1. Being Financially Independent: Your daughter may be marrying someone very rich but it is still very important to be financially independent. Financial independence helps a person realize their self-worth and it gives them freedom to take decisions and support their own lifestyle. It helps them build a confidence to handle various situations and teach them very valuable life lessons. Your daughter may want to buy a latest handbag, donate something to charity or help you financially in some urgent situation she will be able to do so freely without any feeling of guilt of spending husband’s hard earned money.

 

  1. Compromise is the Key not Sacrifice: The first thing we teach our daughters is that compromise is the key to healthy relationships which is true. But we often confuse the term compromise and sacrifice. Compromise is reaching a middle ground which is acceptable to both the parties and sacrifice is just curbing your own ideals, desires or happiness in order to please someone. We must teach them to remember that compromising is very important but entirely sacrificing yourselves constantly for someone is not healthy for them neither physically nor mentally. You should only compromise what your ideals, believes and heart allows you to do so. Do not sacrifice yourselves while compromising to please others.

 

  1. Nothing is above Self- Respect: This is the most important lesson every girl or should I say every person should learn. Nothing and I repeat ‘’ nothing’’ is greater than self-respect. Any relationship which threatens your self-respect is not worth saving. As much as it is important to give respect to every person be it an elder, someone younger or your life partner, it is equally important to maintain your self-respect and to not let anyone trample all over it.

 

  1. Keep an Open Mind: It is very important to start the relationships with an open mind. Teach your daughters to avoid judging people and learn to accept them the way they are. Just as it is difficult for them to change their way of living according to others it is also difficult for others to make the change. Also ask them to not fret about others opinions of them. They may not be good looking enough or ‘’sanskaari’’ enough for someone even if they try their level best but as long as they are trying and doing the necessary things they are right and should be at peace with themselves.

 

  1. Communicate Effectively: It is very essential to teach your daughters to voice their concerns and opinions. Sometimes it is very easy to get what they want, they just need to talk to people about their concern in a polite and understanding manner. Even if they do not agree with something or any arrangement made it is essential for them to say so openly instead of bottling their feelings and doing things without being happy about them. This will lead to unhappiness and feeling of unfairness and lead to bitter relationships in the future.

 

  1. You always have their back: It is very important to let them know that even when they are married and are going to another place which will now be their ‘’home’’, they still are your precious princess and their ‘’mayka’’ would also always be their home. Do not encourage ‘’ ‘’beti to paraya dhan hai ‘’ or ‘’ ab sasural hi tumhara ghar hai ‘’ ideology as they would find it reassuring that you will always have their back.

 

  1. Encourage them to love self: We have seen our mothers toiling hard to please everyone and do every little things themselves to help us. We have seen us putting us above themselves. It seems the purpose in their lives is to make our lives easier and we love and appreciate them for it. There is nothing wrong in doing things for our loved ones but it is also essential to take care of oneself both physically and mentally. Do not teach your daughters things like ‘’ pati ke sukh me hi patni ka sukh hai or ‘’ bachchon ki khushi me hi maa ki khushi hai’’, ‘’ sabki seva karna hi aaurat ka farz hai’’. Instead teach them to be happy and when they are happy themselves they can keep their family happy. It is true that it gives us immense pleasure to serve our family and see them smiling but it should not come at the cost of our own health. So teach your daughters to love, respect and serve everyone including themselves. There is nothing wrong in delegating the smaller and easier chores to other family members. It will not only be beneficial for the daughter but it will also teach others to be self-sufficient, give more time to them to spend with the family and strengthen the bonds.

 

Every mother knows what’s best for their daughters. We may have faced a lot in our lives to the old thinking of the society to restrict their daughter and telling them that they have to adjust at all costs and live in their new house till the end of their lives bearing all the things that affect them physically and mentally. Now these things are not so common and people have started treating their daughters and daughter in-laws better. Still I hope that you do not forget to teach the above things to your beloved daughters.

 

Apoorva Yadav Kamboj

15 Apr
Parenting and Child Care, Poetry

BOYS DON’T CRY

 

 

When you were 2, you fell down and hurt yourself,
Tears rolled down your cheek,
”Boys don’t cry” they said..
Tears are for the weak.

When you were 5, you lost your pet,
You cried a lot in grief,
”Boys don’t cry” they said..
Tears are for the weak.

When you were 8, you loved to dance,
Dancing is for girls, boys play sports they speak,
You protested and cried ”Boys don’t cry” they said..
Tears are for the weak.

When you were 10, you tried to cook,
He slapped your mother for making you work, and she couldn’t even speak,
You heard her cry and your eyes watered ” Boys don’t cry she said..
Tears are for the weak.

When you were 12, they beat you,
You cried as you were bullied,
”Boys don’t cry” they said..
Tears are for the weak.

When you entered in college, you didn’t drink or smoke
They laughed and called you geek,
But by then you knew ”Boys don’t cry”
Tears are for the weak.

So you became one of them, you cursed, drank and smoked,
And other ”geeks” you bullied,
When they cried, ” Boys don’t cry” you said,
Tears are for the weak.

You liked a girl, she liked you back,
The tears of joy threatenend to leak,
” Boys don’t cry” you remembered,
She may consider you weak.

She is romantic and expresses freely,
But you could not open up to her and nothing heartfelt you could speak,
You could not be romantic or expressive
As being expressive is for the weak.

When you both fought, she cried,
You could not show the care and concern even when your heart did bleed,
You are conditioned to supress the emotions ,
As showing emotions is for the weak.

Your mother died and you felt alone,
How much you wanted to weep,
” Boys don’t cry” they said,
Tears are for the weak.

You became depressed and avoided your love.
As even with her you couldn’t share and speak,
” Boys don’t cry” you thought she will also say
Tears are for the weak.

She came and held your hand,
She said ” I know how you feel”
You can cry your heart out..
Tears make you strong not weak.

You were shocked and could not believe,
But when she gently smiled, the dam of tears started to leak,
All that you suffered flowed out
and you felt empowered not weak.

You now freely laughed and freely cried,
Realizing you are just a human who can feel,
Living your life to the fullest,
With all emotions, passion and zeal.

Some taunted, some stared,
and some thought you were freak,
How can a man so freely cry?
Isn’t he afraid he would seem weak.

But you are the strongest you know,
you can stand on what you believe,
You now teach every little boy you meet,
That he can cry, dance, cook, express and freely live
It is what would make him strong not weak.

 

Apoorva Yadav Kamboj

30 Mar
Motivational

The People’s President – Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam

You can call him ” The Missile Man” for his contribution in development of ballistic missile and launch vehicle technology or you can call him ” The People’s President” for his simplicity and love for the people of the nation. Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam was an excellent Indian Aerospace scientist and the 11th President of India who chose to serve only 1 term and then lead his life serving public, writing and inspiring the people and especially students. His life itself is an inspiration. His journey of being an average student from a humble background to a brilliant scientist and then a President with hard work and dedication is awe-inspiring. He received several awards like Padma Bhushan, Padma Vibhushan, Bharat Ratna etc. for his contribution. Post Presidency he became a Professor and also launched ” What can I give ” movement to end corruption. His contribution on all levels are highly commended by all. Here are some motivational quotes from this inspirational man:

 

  1. All Birds find shelter during rain. But Eagle avoids rain by flying above clouds.
  2. I’m not a handsome guy, but I can give my hand to someone who needs help. Beauty is in the heart, not in the face.
  3. Don’t take rest after your first victory because if you fail in second, more lips are waiting to say that your first victory was just luck.
  4. If you fail, never give up because F.A.I.L. means “First Attempt In Learning”. End is not the end, if fact E.N.D. means “Effort Never Dies.” If you get No as an answer, remember N.O. means “Next Opportunity”, so, let’s be positive.
  5. If you want to shine like a sun first burn like a sun.
  6. Don’t read success stories, you will only get message. Read failure stories, you will get some ideas to get success.
  7. Be active! Take on responsibility! Work for the things you believe in. If you do not, you are surrendering your fate to others.
  8. Two rules for a peaceful life : Depression in failure should never go to heart, and ego in success should never go in brain.
  9. Don’t fear for facing failure in the first attempt, because even the successful Maths starts with ” zero” only.
  10. Umbrella can’t stop the rain but can make us stand in rain. Confidence may not bring success but gives us power to face any challenge in life.
  11. If you salute your duty, you need not salute anybody, but if you pollute your duty you have to salute everybody.
  12. One best book is equal to hundred good friends, but one good friend is equal to a library.
  13. Creativity is seeing the same thing but thinking differently.
  14. Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson not a life sentence.
  15. When our signature changes to autograph, this marks the success.
  16. Small aim is a crime, have great aim.
  17. Always be true and original because no one can replace you.
  18. Do not wait for something big to happen, start where you are with whatever you have.
  19. It is very easy to defeat someone, but it is very hard to win someone.
  20. Every pain gives a lesson and every lesson changes a person.

 

His quotes can motivate us in all walks of life. I hope you feel energized to follow your dreams.  Do let me know which quote resonates with you the most.

 

Apoorva Yadav Kamboj

 

Souces :  Wikipedia, Google Images.

23 Mar
Poetry

Still I Rise – Maya Angelou

”Still I Rise” is an inspirational poem by Maya Angelou challenging the oppressors of society who discriminate against color, race or gender. It shows the confidence, self-worth and self-appreciation of the author and the people like her against all the odds. Enjoy and get inspired by the lovely read:

 

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

By Maya Angelou

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